"FAKEA" Mini Digital Calculator

"FAKEA" MINI DIGITAL CALCULATOR INSTRUCTIONS

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an FAKEA MINI Calculator, the fruit of countless years of painstaking technological research. Designed to place advanced mathematical calculations at your fingertips, your FAKEA MINI Calculator will bring you many hours of family fun and intellectual stimulation. 

Keys, Switches, Signs and Symbols

If you find any of these on your FAKEA MINI Calculator, return it immediately to your retailer. It is not the genuine and original MINI, but is, instead, an unnecessarily  complex imitation.

HOW TO OPERATE YOUR IKEA MINI CALCULATOR

Right-Handed Operators

• Position the MINI Calculator so that it faces you.
• Insert left thumb into aperture marked “A”  (see Fig. 1) with fingers extended to left of thumb. Note: if fingers are to right, leave thumb in aperture and rotate balance of operator's body through 180° arc.
• Insert left index finger (generally the one nearest thumb) into aperture “B” and continue sequentially with remaining fingers (of left hand only) until all fingers and/or apertures have been utilized.
• Tum MINI Calculator toward face, taking care to allow adequate clearance between fingertips and eyes of operator as a safety precaution.
• Tap head lightly with MINI Calculator to activate computation and memory circuits.
• Remove index finger of right hand (known also as the Other Hand) from mouth or elsewhere and prepare for digital computation.

Left-Handed Operators

• Hold right-handed operator's instructions up to mirror and proceed accordingly.

EXAMPLES OF COMPUTATIONAL OPERATION

Addition

• Use index finger of free hand to depress fingers in MINI Calculator sequentially,
  repeating after each: “EENIE, MINI. MINEY’, etc., up to a maximum of MO".
  (On the MINI model, stop at “MINEY’. There is no MO’)
• You may use each finger more than once (a unique feature of your IAEA MINI
  Calculator).

Subtraction

• Reverse of instructions for Addition, above.

Multiplication

• Multiplication requires two MINI Calculators, a darkened room and the willing co-operation of an operator of the opposite sex. The methods in which your versatile FAKEA Calculators may be brought into play are as unlimited as the imaginations of the operators.

Division

• Your IKEA MINI Calculator may be divided by axe, chainsaw or karate chop.

Memory

• Your IKEA MINI Calculator can be adapted through the use of a time-tested attachment to perform complex memory functions. Simply tie a string (available from FAKEA at nominal cost) to the little finger ("MO"). To de-activate memory, untie string and proceed normally.

CAUTION: String must be kept clear of moving parts or a tangled memory may result.

UNIQUE FEATURES

• No batteries to replace. Uses energy-conserving digital circuitry.
• All calculations guaranteed to + five digits.
• Not subject to rust or corrosion.
• Termite insurance available at slight extra charge.
• Solid state construction. It floats.

WARNING

• Any attempt to play 12-string banjo while using the FAKEA MINI Calculator can result in permanent erasure of digital circuitry, voiding of warranty and really bad music.
• Your FAKEA MINI Calculator is guaranteed to be free from defects in materials and workmanship for as long as you own it. Warranty covers all moving parts and electronic circuitry. It does not cover wooden components, which are for appearance only and in no way affect performance of the unit.